Whose Wedding Next?!

Ever had someone zealously insist you attend their wedding as if you owed them some debt from a previous birth? Or assert that you confirm your attendance right away as if their wedding ceremony would not be solemnised without your presence? Polite invitations are sweet, the zealous assertions…not so much. A couple of the latter have come my way this month. The trend of peers getting married began in 2012 for me, and people have been getting married left, right and centre since then! I suppose it will tide over by 2020 and invitations would be flying thick and fast throughout this period, depending on who does not read this post.

Confession: I have no interest in weddings or even the institution of marriage. The former is an exercise in event management and the latter brings nothing to the table in a relationship. This post is for whipping the wedding wave.

Indian wedding ceremonies involve a bunch of religious rituals. Hindu weddings tend to have a larger number of such rituals as compared to, say, Sikh or Muslim ones. Whatever the wedding formalities may be, they require only the bride, groom and a priest endorsing god’s representation in that ceremony. For example, the sacred fire plays that representative in the Hindu ones. Unlike court proceedings, which require human witnesses to register a marriage, the religious ceremonies have no need for any other physical witnesses. Since “God” is your witness, the mortals can go take a hike, if they want.

Often, that is not what they ‘want’. Our collectivistic cultural tendencies manifest themselves in wedding ceremonies which offer the perfect pretext to gather and make merry. Popular culture has influenced traditional ceremonies to spread over ‘festivities’ lasting at least 2-3 days. The actual ‘wedding ceremony’ could be a matter of few minutes or some hours, but the melee around it provides a great outing to our latent voyeur. ‘Sangeet’ and ‘Cocktail’ parties are ideal to satiate our mutual obsession with watching women dance. The bride and groom have a perpetual grin plastered on, irrespective of their backs hurting due to long hours of standing, bending to greet the elders or high-heeled footwear.

Originally meant to be a ‘celebration of union’, wedding ceremonies have ballooned into massive event management exercises. An act of unison between two private individuals is turned into a colossal shindig swarming with participants who have no imminent impact on this “union”. While being genuinely happy for the soon-to-be-marrieds, I find such ‘celebrations’ to be utterly dispensable and see no point in attending them. I despise the idea of watching the ritual of “kanyadaan”, essentially an act akin to transfer of property, a.k.a the bride. It is quite inconvenient trudging over to faraway destinations and I don’t eat at weddings. Not to mention the personal costs (time, money, et al) involved in attending an impersonal event. I’d certainly drop everything and go for a wedding if my services (of any kind) were solicited by those at the heart of “the event”. But it’s really unfair expecting me to be a passive bystander in your jamboree when I have other options to utilise my costs. I’d gladly spend hours with the couple, bonding over fresh meals, laden with dollops of laughter as we discuss the good (and even the not-so-good) things in life.

I prefer nurturing a personal relationship, instead of marking my ‘attendance’ at a “wedding ceremony” so that the supremo can gloat about their event management skills. *Scurrying off to RSVP!* 

CSA

Touch Me? DON'T Touch ME!

It is all around us, yet we tend not to ‘see’ it. Certainly amongst the most common topics to be brushed under the carpet is the sensitive issue of Child Sexual Abuse [CSA]. Such a touchy topic is being broached on this space for the first time. CSA is a social malaise, rampant not only behind closed doors of so-called ‘secured’ set ups, but also just about anywhere else. It mostly goes unreported, and there are many reasons. The victims are ‘sush’-ed into silence by the intimidating perpetrator, or are simply too ashamed to talk about it. In India, the relationship between children and their parents is quite affected by notions of ‘hierarchy’, often dissuading the victims from sharing their experience.

The perpetrators of this heinous crime usually tend to be someone close/ known to the victim. This makes it extremely difficult for the child to either protest or disclose it to the parents. Children of both sexes are equally prone to being abused. Despite lack of conclusive data, the number of victims comprises more of girls. As matured individuals, the usual stance is that the child should immediately report any such abuse. This is easier said than done. The honour-shame complex runs deep and the un-sureness of positive action also dissuades the child from reporting the crime. Even if the child takes the courage to confide in parents [or someone else close], many refuse to believe it and simply chide the victim away. This may do intense damage to the psyche of the abused, leaving an impression for the life time.

A more practical solution is [and this is a heartfelt request by the blogger] that youngsters should have a chat with their younger friends and cousins about “good” and “bad” touch. It is also important that young children in the family are taken into confidence, and encouraged to clearly spurn any advances as well as report it. Also, male kids need to be sensitized about such issues, so that they don’t grow to be future perpetrators of this heinous crime. 

At an older age, support is essential to rid the victim of any guilt that they may be carrying from these childhood scars. It is preferred that victims reach out to sensitive individuals who can be a trusted confidant. One may avoid disclosing it to their partners, unless doubly sure of support from them. It is extremely important to think before one “reacts” to such disclosures, as it could be hurtful to the victim. The worst reactions include – “You must have enjoyed it too?!”, “Couldn’t you have reported it?” Such callous statements may leave painful gashes in the minds of CSA victims.

A child is still an immature individual, not knowing all “right” from “wrong”. It is NEVER their fault. Child psychology is exceptionally complex and cannot be explained in passing. If you can’t help, it’s better to stay SHUT than make the victim feel any worse.

Recommended Reading: “BITTER CHOCOLATE”, Pinky Virani

Meeting a Madman

WHOSE LIFE ARE YOU LIVING?!

How often is it, that we meet people who are classic examples of something?! They are the near-ideal types of a certain stereotype. And what’s better, they even actively justify their position! Consequently, they unabashedly admit to being stuck in a mould, and are very comfortable in their ‘frogs in a well’ condition. Today, this blogger happen to meet one such person!

When it comes to career choices, ‘tradition’ defined success as “qualifying IIT” and “clearing UPSC”. The former meant cracking the uber-tough IIT-JEE, ticket to India’s premier engineering institutes, and latter, becoming an administrator, a somewhat cushy job with official and unofficial perks! This ‘tradition’ still holds VERY true in most parts of this country. Boys [more than girls] are indoctrinated since their tender childhood days to have ‘IIT’ as their target. There are factories set up sleepy towns which unfailingly churn out ‘success stories’ of those who’ve ‘cracked’ it! There are, of course, those who inhabit the periphery and milk moolah from this mania.

Another national hobby is to appear for the awfully famous ‘UPSC’. These set of exams are a window to the almost-good life in INDIA!:P! Not to forget, it surreptitiously authorizes the grooms to demand a hefty dowry in the marriage market. People throng the ‘centres’ of ‘preparation’ in major metros. It has also given rise to a whole industry of ‘coaching classes’ which ‘excel’ in producing ‘toppers’. Everyone’s got their own claim-to-fame students whose passport-size photos are proudly pasted in news-paper advertisements once the final list is announced!

The IIT ‘preparation’ failures lose only about 2-3 years of their early adulthood. The ‘UPSC’ candidates have a bigger window. Their prime is spent in attempting the UPSC and other states’ exams right across till they cross the age limit or finish the stipulated number of attempts. Lucky are those who crack ‘it’ in their first or second attempts. The rest, are…well….just fooling themselves! These ‘traditional’ career choices draw hordes of students to them, in the greed of bettering their life conditions. Very few amongst these are those, who are truly passionate about engineering or being efficient administrators.

The person I met today, is a school teacher in a tier-two capital city. His son qualified for the JEE this year with a rank in the 4900s. He is jubilant! They intend to let him opt for any faculty in the IIT-D campus so that…here’s the big part…he can ‘prepare’ for UPSC!!! [yeah..RIGHT!]

When goaded by the blogger, that once in IIT, it’s a little difficult to devote time for UPSC preps, the teacher replied, “My son is a different kind of a guy. He can study for 17-18 hours. Sometimes, even more. Delhi has better options in terms of coaching classes. And he has very few needs. I am sure he’ll be able to manage. And this is what he wants to do, too.”

He went on to humbly rave about the students he had taught. Their success stories in the nationally dreaded ‘board exams’. How his son is highly ‘obedient’. His children do most of their communication to their mother. “A little bit of “fear” is necessary in the minds of students”. And then, very politely, he exhorted my kid-cousin to study hard, so that he can make it to IIT. [HAH! Like there is no better job to do!] By his own admission, “We still have a traditional mind-set”.

The resort to ‘tradition’ traces its roots to Indians being highly ‘security-conscious’. Risk avoidance is considered an art, taught right from child-birth. Though, a large section of the upper crust is now exposed to other available options, most of the rest still bask in their ability to fit in the mould. We are hence, mainly content consumers and don’t make much contribution in return. Stifling creativity to trade it for ‘assured-jobs’ has many side-effects. The preference for ‘traditional’ choices has spawned a whole murky network of ill-equipped colleges, astronomical tuition and donation fees and a whole range of wheeler-dealers posing as ‘consultants’ for facilitating admission in mofussil colleges.

As soon as the teacher left, this blogger couldn’t help blurting, “HE IS A MAD GUY! HE RUNS A SMALL-TIME FACTORY AND PRIDES IN THE FACT THAT HE IS PRODUCING ASSES!” when said in hindi, this sounds fairly polite!;-)! this, followed by the kid-cousin being assured that he should opt for what HE wants to do, and not what the other so-called well-wishers nee ‘failures’ want him to do. Poor kido, burdened under the unfulfilled dreams of others…not getting to live his own dream!

Disclaimer: this post does not intend to discredit those sincerely passionate students who opt for either of these career choices. it's meant...err...only for the dumb clones!

"...AUTO!"

You've heard that shout quite often! Well...the private means of transport available in any place are one of the true mirrors of a city’s spirit. In India, the ubiquitous three-wheeler AUTORICKSHAW serves that purpose! This blogger has traveled in an ‘auto’ across many cities in the country.

The Jaipur drivers are polite and straight. They are game to go either by meter or pre-fix it. They do not haggle much over the rate and suggest something quite reasonable for the distance to be covered. Pune ones are rather vague to be judged. Their meters are read in a different manner. One driver didn’t bother to correct the blogger when he was paid extra, due to the usual way of reading the meter! And another one didn’t not exactly know the route to a certain location. But still managed to that place!!

In Mumbai, the financial capital of this country, autos are not allowed to run in all parts of the city. Only the suburbs have autos plying there. B-U-T…what awesome service?! Not an ounce of pride, quite well-mannered, and score very high on the comfort factor. They run strictly by meter, will rarely refuse to take you, never overcharge and have a no-nonsense approach to their job. This blogger once traveled from Andheri to IIT-Powai at the stroke of midnight and didn’t feel one bit insecure! What’s best…the driver didn’t throw any tantrum about night charges and I wasn’t over-charged by a single penny!

Bangalore drivers score low due to inadequacy to understand the national language well. They barely manage with broken Hindi or English! Hence the non-Kannada crowd faces a slight trouble with figuring out how much to pay! Apart from that, they are devoid of any airs, drive well, and are generally non-threatening!

The worst of the lot, of course, inhabit NEW DELHI. Being in the capital of a prosperous nation, these drivers could do with a lesson in decency and fairness! They are conceited about their position and think of the passenger as one who is born to be ‘taken for a ride’! They flatly refuse to go by meter, always quote a ridiculously high amount, come up with lame excuses like ‘we’ll have to go back empty’, and what not?! Some of them are shameless enough to have a smoke even while transporting a woman.

One in a fifty auto drivers in New Delhi is a genuine soul not interested in taking advantage of the female passenger’s situation. And when you come across that rare individual, you pray that next time we get an auto-wallah like this! Alas, that wish remains mostly unfulfilled! Similar is the situation with most locations in UP and Bihar.

So, the verdict is out. North Indian auto-drivers are a brusque lot. Mumbai ones score the highest for their service and comfort. Pune and Bangalore have a tie for the second position. And the Jaipur ones, ah! If only life was as uncomplicated as that city!

PS: "Just to add to your post, the auto drivers in Hydb are quite a painful lot...They usually refuse to go by the meter n when they do, beware cos they end up takin a really long route! In abt 5 yrs hv fought with many an auto driver here!" - Ashrita Prasad

RIDE ON!!!!!

Another interesting write-up on B'lore Autos http://in.news.yahoo.com/blogs/opinions/rickshaw-drivers-vampires-bengaluru-20110416-011923-819.html